A process of sorts

eight months and counting.

i still wander in the same old bar with the same old friends. dancing to rihanna and duffy or madonna. drinking a bottle of my usual san miguel superdry and a lemon wedge while i scan and scrutinize the usual crowd, and then you spot a fresh face, you glance and drink a bit and you glance again to check if he's noticed you but he's not, so you move on to the next one, and another, until someone reciprocates.

the night turns into a few intense hours, thanks to that over-sized bluefrog, spatial and visual impairment becomes an excuse to be frisky and flirty, but the novelty of the night's adventure easily wears off, you hear the last call for alcohol and in a few minutes the lights are turned on, the washed out faces come to life and you realize it's all the more hopeless that way. some nights are lucky, you get to meet, greet and drink while most are just havin' laughs and drinks with friends.

i've subjected myself to this. a selection, collection and elimination process of sorts.

it's like being put on a conveyor belt and have machines poking at you for quality control. It's a dissection of character, intellectual content, wit, financial stability and fair market value all in the hopes of finally connecting and finding what pacifies that certain longing or even just a fleeting fancy.

i asked a friend. are we getting old or is it because we're mainstay?

i think it's because we're mainstay, he answered.

but i think it's a little bit of both.

so, it's been eight months and i'm a little weary and tired. the pessimist in me is slowly creeping out. the scene is fast becoming old and almost vintage to point.

i ask myself yet again, why i come to this bar regularly.

Student at 26 syn. Jobless at 26

In my dictionary: Student - a scholar, a person who attends a school, college or university
syn. jobless and/or poor. Colloquial terms may include, broke as a barber, penniless, poor as a rat etc.



I give up.

For days I've been trying to avoid checking the pictures out, but at times, curiosity kills the cat or plain nosiness gets the best of us.

I'm now looking through pictures some of my friends posted of their recent visit to Bacolod, where they spent their entire weekend and experienced the Masskara festival, like i said, for days I've been trying to avoid checking the pictures out because I know for sure that I'll only end up being envious, not because they went without me but because I know how fun an experience it would have been with them.

I couldn't go for one simple reason, I had no money.

I've been living independently for almost five years now and I have been jobless for a while, although my parents have recently put me back to school, the responsibility of providing for myself is still mine. Unlike the more privileged, I am not getting any form of allowance from them and thanks to my endless nights of partying and days of splurging I've used up all my savings now, not to mention a few debts from friends here and there. Hence, all the plans to travel has been postponed.

Yes, being a bum's fun.You have your freedom back, freedom you've lost from all the time put into work. It's great especially if you have friends who are willing to pay your spot to spend time with you. Most especially fun if you have wads and wads of cash to spend at will, haha! Now that you're free, you can do anything you want, but going back to reality, when i say anything i mean anything within your means of-course. Naturally you can't be a bum for long as it is outweighed by the negative aspects of it and you can't be a bum especially if you can't afford to be one.

This is my dilemma. It's either I see myself as a student at age 26, one with an average of 8 years difference from most of my batch mates, (which explains why i hardly get along with any of them) a student without the perks of being one (i.e living with parents with matching allowance, free board and lodging and without all the responsibility and drama of being 26) or, I can be jobless at 26 who used to be earning this much but has traded being able to "afford" to being a thriving/starving student/gimikero in hopes of finally fulfilling a life long dream. Don't get me wrong, I really wanna it to work, but finding a job with a decent pay that would be flexible enough for my school schedule is proving to be tougher than I expected.

A hard choice it is my friends, one I think I am not ready to make, or do I have really have to? I don't think i have much choice here or maybe, I'm just ranting. :)

Updates on a not so effective blogger

Two whole unpaid weeks off from work.

I had all the time in the world to make a decent blog and I couldn't come up with one. I once thought that I can probably make a living out of just writing my thoughts online but hell, it's a lot harder than i thought, not to mention that your target market if you blog here in multiply is kinda limited but what the heck, right? Ack!

Anyway, facebook has been keeping me company for the past two weeks, thank you to the genius of applications/games that I've been invited to and added, I'm now an official Mob Wars, Dope Wars and My heroes ability addict! Now they keep me glued to my PC for at least 6 hours, which roughly makes up about half the time I'm awake nowadays. If my Mom was not as much the computer game addict that she is, I would have been online for at least 12 hours. I usually just let her use it until she feels sleepy and then it's mine until I get tired of it.

I also rediscovered the remarkably enjoyable instant messaging, I get to keep in touch with people from Manila and the other parts of the world (yes, I have friends outside of this country) through MSN and Yahoo messengers.

In between playing and chatting, I check e-mails, Multiply, Friendster, Myspace and blogs that I religiously follow.

Here's my daily itinerary (not that I think anyone would care):

3-4pm: wake up
4-5pm: wonder around the house a bit and then eat my first meal.
5-10pm: watch the teevee. I've been watching TV patrol, The singing bee, Lobo, My girl. Yes, I'm a kapamilya not a kapuso. I also watch NatGeo, Lifestyle Network, etc, second avenue, HBO, Cinemax and starworld if there's anything interesting. I'm taking advantage of this being that i really don't have my own TV when I'm in manila. I also find time to play with my nephew Enzo.
10pm onwards: really, just about this time I can do anything from taking a nap, eating my 2nd and third meal of the day, midnight snacking, and yes, facing the computer and burning that DSL connection until I can, just like what I'm doing now.

It's almost 7:30 am and this is late for me, I usually sleep around 6 am.

Later today I'm bringing my lola to her therapist, so I'm waking up earlier than usual and tomorrow? MANILA here I come!!!

*** I swear I'm sooo excited to come back I'm getting butterflies in my stomach!

Reasons Enough

I've reached that point and I admit, just as Paulo Nutini put it plainly "I'm no wiser than the fool that I was before."

It's been more than two years of wishful thinking, secretly hoping and bittersweet torment.

It's an enriching part of my life, I'm glad to have experienced it.

I have but one regret, and that's holding on to someone who's so not worth it.

It's heart breaking that I didn't find what I was looking for but I discovered what I needed to know and these are reasons enough to ultimately move on.

Thanks 4 nothin'

Alrighty, this will be the third song that I'm posting, or shall i say lyrics.
I'm posting this for lack of words to say, it's about a certain person and some certain feelings i can't really put to words myself.

This song narrates it in an exaggerated kind of way, however, it captured how i felt and what i wanted to say.

So take sometime to read the lyrics, I think this applies to most of us anyway.



I can't even know what to say
I've been hurt I've been played
And I'm so shamed
I can't even cry it's that deep
You just lie and you cheat
Like it's nothin'

See you said that you loved me too
And so I trusted you
But I guess that subconsciously I knew
But I didn't wanna face the truth
That I was only being used
And you was just frontin'
Hey boy, thanx for nothin'

I never knew enough about you babe
And I guess I only have myself to blame
Now I'm broken-hearted and shattering
Cause you were just playin' a game

Nothin' anyone could do to convince me babe
I was livin' in a lie just a masquerade
Now I only know that I'll never be the same
But you were just playin' a game


Thanx for nothin'
You were just playin' a game


Every day and every night
I stay by the phone
Never go no place so just in case
You call I'll be home
Seems like what I do is
Think about our pseudo romance
While you're somewhere burnin' diesel
In the streets havin' laughs

Somebody say you know what I'm going thru
You been left with nothin' too
Too much you can't count on one hand
Singing 3,4,5,6
7 days a week you're drowning in tears
He was so insincere
Now you're layin' up in bed
Every night singing
Hey boy, thanx for nothin'

I never knew enough about you babe
And I guess I only have myself to blame
Now I'm broken hearted and shattering
Cause you were just playin' a game
Nothin' anyone could to convince me babe
I was living in a lie just a masquerade
Now I only know that I'll never be the same
But you were just playin' a game

So thanks for nothing...


MC

strike two

My heart's broken, again. I have been trying to suppress my emotions, keeping check of myself, constantly looking in the mirror, even resorted to putting cheek tint to hide the sadness I feel but I've had enough of it, i can't fight it anymore. Yes, I'm heart broken and it's all my fault. I had my heart crushed by the same person that shattered it to pieces a couple of years back and the shame's all on me. thanks for nothing.

Blown off

A couple of weeks ago, I asked someone to go out with me, Yes, like on a date-date type of thing. Actually, I like the person and the person liked me back (which by the way is a rarity) and I was more than looking forward to spending time with someone, out on a date, with a small possibility of being more than just a friend. Who knows? maybe even consider on taking it to the next level. I really had my hopes up for this one but that's until the unthinkable happened.

On the day we were supposed to go out, I ended staying up later than usual, I fell asleep very late in the afternoon, it's not that I don't sleep or don't like sleeping but I tend to sleep long hours, especially when I'm tired from work and nothing, i mean nothing would wake me up, well, not the alarm on my phone at least.

So I woke up after what seemed like only a few hours of sleep and checked the messages on my cellphone. There was a message from my supposed date, It was a simple goodnight message and I wondered why, it took a few seconds and then it struck me, my phone's clock says 04:30 a.m, I just f*ckin' slept through the entire night and blew my date off! I couldn't believe myself, I mean how unfortunate can this be right? I couldn't really think of anything else to do, so I resorted into sending a message with my lame-ass excuse of falling asleep, of course I asked for forgiveness only to be replied with a "who's this?" message.

Harsh, right?

Apparently not harsh enough that i didn't get the hint, and being my sometimes dense and persistent self, I asked why he deleted my number and proceeded to introduce who I am, or was in this case.

I received a reply on my inquiry after a few hours and It said.
"Hi. I was in a meeting. You asked me why I deleted your number? it's simple, that's because I don't like my plans being blown away."

Ouch! Wait until you finish reading the next part.

Yesterday, I learned the hard way that my Boracay trip would not push through for reasons I don't even want to explain, and just as I was recovering from the humiliation of not being allowed to board the plane going to my dream summer vacation, I received an unexpected call from an unexpected person ( I'm inserting this because some people get confused - it's not the same person ) and I was asked to go out, not really on a date but I was asked to go out and meet up none the less. I couldn't say no because we had a special "past" and so I accepted the invite not out of vulnerability but of longing.

A couple of hours passed and I didn't receive any updates, this was after exchanging a few text messages after our conversation. I thought maybe it's a little later, like gimmick time which usual starts midnight.

So I waited, and waited, and waited and fell asleep waiting and woke up past midnight already and I never received any message back from the person, and it hit me, I was being blown off. I dunno if deliberately, but I was stood up and it doesn't feel good and I suddenly remembered how hateful it is when someone does it to you. It's that feeling of rejection once more, now I understand the reason behind the not so friendly treatment I got from the first person I mentioned.

I guess It doesn't matter whether If it was done on purpose or not. Shit happens right? However, it showed a lot about my character and it wasn't an admirable one. I learned my lesson, Be a man of your words and believe me, I learned it the hard way.

Broken hearts or broken faith?

I received a forwarded text message from a friend the other day.
It simply said,

"hearts don't really break, nobody gets to break a heart and no one can, because hearts after the wildest storms survive and will always stay intact. When you feel pain the region of your heart, it's not the heart that's breaking, something else does: FAITH and then you stop believing."

I guess the term "heart broken" was used metaphorically to describe the hurt or pain that one felt when they have their faith thwarted and then, that person stops believing in love which make it harder for us to trust other people and ourselves with it.

A lot of people use the word "LOVE" loosely, I for one say it a lot, especially when I really like something or someone immensely. A lot of us forget the importance and meaning of the word since it is easier to verbalize than to show or act out, in the end, most of us take saying "i love you" for granted.

I cannot negate the fact that verbal communication is relevant to us human beings, often times though verbalizing an emotion or a feeling is not enough, you see, not everyone is equipped with a vocabulary to match the number of islands in our country be it high tide or low tide.

I think it's time to go back to the basics of it and learn to love like a child, unadulterated, just like how they know they're loved unconditionally by their mothers and how they love them back the same way.

A Never Ending Weekend (I can never afford to kiss a panget person)

I don't know how I actually started hanging out in Malate. I never liked the place, I found it filthy and well, too gay for me but that was until recently and until I found out how fun it actually can be, especially when you hang out with the kind of people who you can actually call friends despite the cacophony of homosexuals prancing around. I guess that's how it started, I found my group and I felt comfortable with them, hence, I felt comfortable with the rest of the crowd.

Our never ending weekend started much like one of those normal saturday nights. Before the clock struck 12 midnight, everyone, and that includes me, Clint, Pio, Ronald, Ron and Josh were already texting away and planning to go to our usual sat night bar in malate. Like I said, it was the usual thing, we go in and drink, dance, flirt around a bit with the help of Ron and Gan and by sunrise someones bound to ask someone or everyone to finally go leave the god forsaken club and grab a bite.

This Sunday morning we went to Wendy's along buendia near the LRT station where we met up with a couple of more people namely Boj and another one, someone who I refuse to name in this blog. Hmph!

After having our much awaited orders served and gobbled up, I suggested we take an out of town trip and go to tagaytay. There was a little discussion about it, we ended up having to gang up on Clint since he said he couldn't go, he was using his newly bought puppy as an excuse but alas! Josh's dramatic antics worked and we ended up going to tagaytay as planned.

A scene from The Petron Gas station along Macapagal Blvd:

After pulling over his Blue Mitsubishi Pajero, Josh asked for the gas money, Clint and I obliged and shared 500 bucks each.
Josh talking to the Gas boy, "Manong, palagay naman ng water sa radiator".
(Imagine that said in a very Kolehiyala manner)
The Gas boy said, "O sige po, sir" making tango his head with matching bewildered look on his face.
I can only imagine what he (the gas boy) was thinking when everyone started laughing out loud after I voiced out how I liked Josh's catchy line, "I like it! it's so kolehiyala!"

Josh our designated driver was more comfortable taking the cavite route to tagaytay and so after about an hour or so driving through the coastal road and through las pinas, we got into some kind of conversation, comparing guys we've met at the bar, of course, Ron was giving us a rundown of things we should know about the people who hung out there, I mean it's the usual conversation about other people amongst us friends.

Since I like long drives and it was my first time to take this route, I was sort of enjoying the scenery outside when I noticed Pio and Ron getting into some juicy details of something or someone, not really knowing what it was about I ended up asking Ron to start over.

Scene from inside Josh's car while driving to tagaytay:
(right before the accident)

I said "Ano yun? sige na beh, ulitin mo na"
Ron was saying "Nakakahiya, but he told me "I want you to chever on my face!"
I couldn't believe what I heard, apparently, I wasn't the only one.
The two ladies in front heard it as well and was as surprised as I was.
In fact Josh was so surprised he had to take his eyes off the road and look at Ron and that's when we crashed into the white pajero right in front of us. We were lucky that our ride was sort of sturdy because the impact was kind of strong.
Ron ended up being "tulala" for a moment.
Pio claimed he didn't hear anything when we crashed when in fact he was shrieking when it happened which was probably why he didn't hear anyone else.

I went down the car to assist Josh with the situation and while talking to owner of the car we hit, I hadn't noticed that everyone else went down to give support, Ron wearing his "baby red" colored shirt (color terminology coined by Pio) was smiling sweetly to the car owner. Clint being his mataray self, Me trying not to mind a headache, which i forget to tell why I had one. I hit my face on the back of the drivers seat during the crash. Pio, on the other hand was really just wanting to smoke to vent out the tension. It was our lucky day though, the guy's also from las pinas where Josh lives and not only that, he was sort of the ex-boss of his older sister.

Everyone got back in the car, talking all at the same time about what happened and our individual experiences of it, I don't really remember but someone started making fun of how Josh, again, was so arte about the way he said something about stepping on the breaks. I mean it was a lame excuse but executed that way? I guess it never fails to work. Haha! During this whole drama, we somehow ended up blaming it all on Pio, him being the "malas" person in the group, a conclusion that was backed by a previous car accident involving Josh's car and a passenger jeep where in Pio and Clint were on the passenger seats. We also agreed on writing a note to LTO about things gay men need not mention while driving.

Trying to get away from the wake of the White Pajero/ Blue Pajero car crash. We decided that our first stop was gonna be Starbucks, we all needed caffeine to wake our senses up but even before we actually had our coffee, we already had some stimulation (Visual at least) from a group of foreign looking guys riding a black mercedes benz which parked right beside us. We ended up waiting for Ron ouside starbucks since he decided to take his time changing his shirt to a black one and ultimately taking the chance to flirt with 'em foreign looking boys.

After getting our drinks, we hung out at the upper outside floor and decided to make the most of the sunday morning sun, and so it's camwhoring time! we took some pictures, commented on how nice the weather is, laughed and talked about a lot of things that I barely remember.

An hour or so has passed and we decided to have brunch at Leslie's where we spent most of our time. There we ended up talking about a lot of things and ended up daydreaming about this one fine looking fella wearing red shorts, gray shirt and a beanie, apparently an amboy, How did I know? well, Ron chanced upon this fella in the wash room and he was talking slang or something to that effect.

Excerpts from the "Leslie's Conversations" :

While talking about the what ifs of our lives, which by the way was promulgated by a question that Josh threw at us out of the blue.

Josh commenting on Leslie's: This is such a nice date place right?
Everyone: Yeah...
Ron: Beh! (Clapping his hands) You're the one to beat in this competition!

Josh: Would you walk and take a shower under the rain if a guy asks you to?
Eems, Ron, Clint and Pio: What do you mean? Hahaha!

The conversations went into having your dream guy have halitosis or gingivitis and or being a macho dancer and or having crooked teeth and a smaller or larger than imaginable nether regions, even having weird fetishes, I mean we've made up all the possible ways where you may have to end up on giving up that dream person. Oh by the way Pio kept on asking if it was like Gabby Concepcion, Yeees! dream guy nga eh.

How about those situation's we've come up with? Like the sweetest things, the worst case scenarios like you and a friend liking the same person, Eherm! Pio, we both know what our answers are but I don't remember about the others saying anything or commenting, Hahaha!

We were having fun and we didn't care. Not even with the disgusted looks on the other peoples faces. We were having fun and "please don't stop the music" is playing on the background. It was perfect.

I guess all five of us will agree when I say that the most unforgettable part of our trip was when Ron said his movie-worthy line.

Ron Tan: "I can never afford to kiss a panget person."

All together now.

Like Oh my God! You're so arte!!!

Cast of Characters:

(in no particular order)

Josh: The Traditionalist
Clint: The Conservative
Eems: The Skank
Pio: The Whore
Ron: The Slut

All with monastic upbringing... :P

Bored, stressed and depressed under gray cloudy skies

I’m officially jobless. It’s only been two weeks and it already feels like forever, it’s probably because of how fast I lost my job or maybe because I miss the stressing over my work drama-of-it-all, after all, I’ve been doing this kind of work for more than three years. It's my bread and butter and it became as precious as the air I breathe. I was severed all too sudden and felt like going cold turkey.

A friend aptly referred to our generation as stress junkies and I can’t help but nod in agreement. I was saying that I finally have all the time to do what I wanted, but all the time I had in my hands were starting to bore me since I didn’t really have anything better to do with it, I was just home doing either of three things: sleeping, eating and watching TV, quite literally getting my ass bigger. I’m non-productive and lazy as ever. I’m pretty much a slob in the making and the stormy/gloomy weather is not at all helping with the mood, but I’m grateful to find something else to blame for my general unwillingness to function properly, which, by the way is hardly there to begin with.

This friend pointed out that we are so addicted to all the stress that we get stressed when we’re not stressed, get what I mean? I know it’s twisted but oddly we thrive in it like mosquitoes in stagnant waters, we obviously hate it but not to the point where we're going to do what's necessary to change, we even get agitated without it, and so I wonder whether it’s the same for people who didn’t work in the call-center industry, after all their really not dealing with having to change shifts every now and then and having to work during the time you’re supposed to be sleeping or as a friend said “taking everyone else’s crap everyday when you can’t even deal with your own.” The amount of physical and emotional stress we have to deal with is somewhat doubled because of the culture of the industry. Yes it is hard, a lot harder than it seems. I thought it was just an itch that you can scratch; apparently it’s deeper than that.

This kind of behavior is alarmingly higher than usual, although It’s merely a pattern for most us because of the weather changes and how our stars are aligned. I've never heard more people getting depressed, feeling less optimistic and a whole lot losing interest in what they really want to do in the same regularity of our monthly bills, generally this is disheartening, especially for a country who supposedly ranks number 17 in the happiest country on earth.

Somehow the dreams have become impossible to achieve, financial stability is after all what most of us prioritize. Some of us are probably just putting it off until we get the chance or the courage to get on with it, some are waiting for their big-break while they toil their way up the corporate ladder, however, the majority of us plainly find it impractical to pursue because of how hard life already is. No matter what reason we have, the amount of stress we put ourselves into and the lifestyles we lead will one day catch up on us and then it's payback time. So let’s admit it; whether we like it or not, we really are a bunch of stress/drama junkies and we love the rough and tumble of the harried lives we live.

I guess the more important question now is how long are we going to continue living this kind of life? Beats me, and how about we stop blaming ourselves and do something about it for a change? While you're thinking of what to do to make things better, putting the blame on the weather man, while we can, has never been a better idea.

Bored, stressed and depressed under grey cloudy skies

I’m officially jobless. It’s only been two weeks and it already feels like forever, it’s probably because of how fast I lost my job or maybe because I miss the stressing over my work drama-of-it-all, after all, I’ve been doing this kind of work for more than three years. It's my bread and butter and it became as precious as the air I breathe. I was severed all too sudden and felt like going cold turkey.

A friend aptly referred to our generation as stress junkies and I can’t help but nod in agreement. I was saying that I finally have all the time to do what I wanted, but all the time I had in my hands were starting to bore me since I didn’t really have anything better to do with it, I was just home doing either of three things: sleeping, eating and watching TV, quite literally getting my ass bigger. I’m non-productive and lazy as ever. I’m pretty much a slob in the making and the stormy/gloomy weather is not at all helping with the mood, but I’m grateful to find something else to blame for my general unwillingness to function properly, which, by the way is hardly there to begin with.

This friend pointed out that we are so addicted to all the stress that we get stressed when we’re not stressed, get what I mean? I know it’s twisted but oddly we thrive in it like mosquitoes in stagnant waters, we obviously hate it but not to the point where we're going to do what's necessary to change, we even get agitated without it, and so I wonder whether it’s the same for people who didn’t work in the call-center industry, after all their really not dealing with having to change shifts every now and then and having to work during the time you’re supposed to be sleeping or as a friend said “taking everyone else’s crap everyday when you can’t even deal with your own.” The amount of physical and emotional stress we have to deal with is somewhat doubled because of the culture of the industry. Yes it is hard, a lot harder than it seems. I thought it was just an itch that you can scratch; apparently it’s deeper than that.

This kind of behavior is alarmingly higher than usual, although It’s merely a pattern for most us because of the weather changes and how our stars are aligned. I've never heard more people getting depressed, feeling less optimistic and a whole lot losing interest in what they really want to do in the same regularity of our monthly bills, generally this is disheartening, especially for a country who supposedly ranks number 17 in the happiest country on earth.

Somehow the dreams have become impossible to achieve, financial stability is after all what most of us prioritize. Some of us are probably just putting it off until we get the chance or the courage to get on with it, some are waiting for their big-break while they toil their way up the corporate ladder, however, the majority of us plainly find it impractical to pursue because of how hard life already is. No matter what reason we have, the amount of stress we put ourselves into and the lifestyles we lead will one day catch up on us and then it's payback time. So let’s admit it; whether we like it or not, we really are a bunch of stress/drama junkies and we love the rough and tumble of the harried lives we live.

I guess the more important question now is how long are we going to continue living this kind of life? Beats me, and how about we stop blaming ourselves and do something about it for a change? While you're thinking of what to do to make things better, putting the blame on the weather man, while we can, has never been a better idea.

***posted 02.04.2008

Eems the Grouch

I watched the premiere of Sweeney Todd with Anj and Cesca today, I was moody as usual, hahaha! I even heard Anj comment on my "kasungitan" but I didn't react anymore, there was no need since it was true anyway. I guess the reason behind is that I felt bad going out without money in my pocket, I wanted to enjoy the moment but my mind was somewhere else, thinking of things I needed to take care of and trying to plot out my action plans for survival in the next couple of weeks, and so once again it's proven that I haven't really conquered on being worrisome.*sigh*

I've been wanting to go out though, I haven't gone out in a while and I'm starting to get bored of myself plus the fact that Anj's invitation was exactly the break I was looking for, so I wasn't about to let it pass.

Sadly though it didn't quite turn out to be as "fun" as I expected. No offense to anyone but that's just how I felt and it probably has something to do with being all worrisome or probably just plain lack of sleep, hence, the cranky Eems resurfaces.

Yes i'm moody or "grouchy" like a friend avidly calls me, but what can I do right? Last I checked I'm not exactly living in Pleasantville.

***disclaimer, although i did not enjoy myself, i enjoyed the company of my friends and tremendously enjoyed the movie!***