Living the half life

I always feel half empty... drained and dried out, tired and helpless and of course used and abused...some people may say half full but I lean towards pessimism when I feel down, so please save me the eternally predictable response that everything's gonna be alright, because I know it will, deep inside i'm hoping it will but right now I can't take one more person in my life to say that to me. What's driving me nuts is that I can't see it any time soon, there seems to be no end to all my misfortunes. Could this be the quarter-life crisis that most yuppies refer to? Well, unfortunately nothing's going my way, I'm discombobulated, I have the tendency to mix reality with fantasy and I'm a bit delirious... hmm, they're kidding right? Isn't this normal?

25 years of my life and I barely remember the times when I felt complete and fine just being me. I mean I always try to remember it, somehow it's lost in the back of my head or probably gone with all the booze i've drank and cigs i've lit up. I'm a half-life, the kind of person who survives looking for what's missing in his life, a half waiting to be a whole... like that never ending quest to find true and eternal happiness and the painstaking process of being in love and getting hurt and of moving on and letting go, *** buses and trains mom! buses and trains!*** melodramatic but it's all true honey.

I wrote this once, In my endless search of what seems to be the unknowns a failure, for what I thought the unknown's my purpose, stupid I was I never found my soul. Quite profound huh? well, that's how I am when I get all depressed. I tend to think that i'm forever lost in the dark inescapable labyrinth we call life.

You know what though? I miss it a lot when I knew what I wanted to do, when I was so full of energy and life that one would think I'm all set to conquer the world. I miss it when I dreamt of being big and being someone great and I miss it most when I was me, when I was sure of what I want and when I was sure of myself. The harshness of the real world has robbed me of what's left of my hopes, dreams and passion and more recently I've come to realize that I've reached the point that I'm numbed by the overwhelming number of problems that has come my way. Can you just imagine that?! I mean the poeple who know me can attest that I'm always kinda dramatic but it's all happening at the same time and I've lost all will to go drama. I still find it pretty intense, a little too intense actually.

Try to look at it this way, put yourself in my shoes and you'll probably get an idea of why I'm like this, I'm single and I'm gay, so you can just go figure out how hard it can be for me... ALWAYS CAUGHT IN BETWEEN...***sigh*** I share the same emotions with about a hand full of people I know and it transcends gender, age and social background... there are those who take it a little too seriously and there are those who just doesn't give a shit, I wish I was the later but that's just wishful thinking.

Recovering

We've all loved a lot and hurt a lot but somehow managed to recover through it all. In our lifetime, people has come and gone and even those who we think will stay for good leave us behind. We get ourselves into thinking that they will be with us forever and plan and live our lives around them. It's probably selfish for us to think that the people who we hold closest to our hearts will never leave our side, chances are, they most likely will and it's quite inevitable. It hurts too much but thats the circle of life.

My mom told me once that God sometimes breaks our spirits to save our soul, breaks our hearts to make us whole, pain is given so we can be stronger and sometimes sends us to failure to become humble, ultimately He sometimes takes everything away from us so that we learn the value of everything He gave us.

It's not hard to believe that this has some truth to it because it happens to us day in and day out, the harshness of reality sometimes bites when we least expect it, that's what sucks about it. We can only do our best and being Pinoy we have that natural resiliency and optimism which helps us all recover from the bruises of being left behind, let's admit it though, we sometimes can't help but deny the truth and pretend that we've moved on with our lives, we say we've accepted what happened but we only end up spending precious time in fear of being hurt again. Precious time that should've been spent on more important matters. We forget that what's important is that we keep these peoples memories alive in our hearts and continue on living in the today and not the shadow of the past. I know it's easy to say but it beats the hell out of sulking in your room and being all dramatic about life right?

So what's my point then? Well, lets just say that whatever pulls us through all of this is something we are all capable of. We may not fully understand why it happens but isn't it comfort enough knowing that there are a lot of things in store for us in the future? I might never get to fully grasp what it actually means to move on or let go, but I always keep in mind that the only thing constant in this world is change and all of the human race go through it.

All I can really say is that we somehow make it through because we find our saving grace, be it in our hearts or other peoples', maybe in the little things that happens to us every day, like the simple smile of a stranger or the mere hello or text message, or a hug from a friend. I found mine in the most unlikely place and in the most unlikely situation, who knows yours might just be under your nose, picking on you and bitching you around.

***posted 12.06.2006

A few things to be thankful of

Most of us tend to take things for granted. Take me for instance, I happen to be someone who's pessimism makes up about ninety percent of the waking moment of my life. Why can't I just be optimistic then? It's not easy considering what I have. However, I told a friend once that our life somehow doesn't always match up to those of what we see in the movies or read in the novels but it doesn't always mean that we are to lose hope on ourselves and the world and that maybe, just maybe, reality would bite us in a different way (i was in my more positive mood then). When she threw that back at me, I was shaken back to my senses. We should really keep a more positive outlook in our lives.

Here are some of the things to keep in mind when we feel down.

Your Friends: I mean the real ones, no matter how much these people may seem to be annoying, all they really care about is your betterment as a person and that they, and you, would have at least someone to share their happiness and misery with. Not to mention the fact that you probably will spend most of your life with them than anyone else in this world. Remember, happiness shared is twice the happiness and misery shared is half the misery.

Your Family (biological or not): They may be tormenting at times, I believe it's for a purpose. You see, they are the last of the people to turn their backs on you. They'll be there to help you pick up the pieces, be it in millions or in two. They are the very few people in this world who will see you through. Some of the most precious moments and wisdom in your life came from them and the fact that you are alive, means you owe them that much.

Your Enemies/Critics: Now this ones tricky. Some of you may disagree but hey, if not for them, you wouldn't be as formidable as you are now. They make up a big chunk of the society we are in. Your bosses, colleagues, ex's of all sorts, what else? oh, i almost forgot, ourselves, I mean our own demons. Enemies... I see them as a herd of hyenas ready to tackle you down and eat you alive once you are up and about but once alone and inanimate they'll just leave you by yourself, the most you'll get is a stare or a sniff in this case. In more popular filipino saying, the crab mentality. Get what I mean?

Lastly, God: To some of you/us, the supreme being, whoever he may be or wherever she is, this one here will never falter. When all has been delivered and nothing seems to work, he will always be there. Most think of him as the last chance, our last hope or our saving grace and that's a bit sad right? I mean, without God where would we be? Come to think of it, he is after all THE Man/Woman to turn to whenever and wherever because He will never think twice and neither should us.

These are just a few things that I always keep in mind, it certainly works for me.

***posted 11.20.2006

I'm Inlove among other things

Today, as I smoked my pre-shift yosi, a newbie told me that I look very different from the very first day he saw me, that in the past few days somehow my aura exudes that of someone who's innately satisfied and happy. To be honest with you, I barely know this person and he's already making such remarks which makes me think if there’s any truth to it.

What specifically caught my ear in out rather lucid conversation was when he said "You know what? You're Blooming, are you in love?" I wanted to retaliate in a not so gentle manner, however I ended up saying "oh it's the hair, that's about it" but in my head I was really saying "Honey, do I look anywhere near a Gummamela to you?!” I'm pretty sure this person only wanted to share his observations and meant no harm, probably he was just flattering me or maybe just making small talk over that stick of cigarette; quite frankly he's not the first one to make the remark which made me think, What have they seen?

Could there really be something different about me? Maybe, maybe not.

At first, I thought all it was, was because I opted for that natural hairdo instead of my oh-so-common-spiked-greasy-hair, and instead of wearing my thick rimmed spectacles wore my colored contact lenses, or maybe as my friend Lorna told me, my choice of brightly colored shirts over my normally dark ones. These were the obvious changes that people saw. It wasn't a conscious effort to look different, it just happened. I grew tired of fixing my hair everyday; I lost my glasses and bought shirts on sale because I had nothing to wear. Somehow my contact lenses masked what my eyes were really saying. My hair made me look rather tamed and my brightly colored shirts made me look well, happy or at least happier than usual. What these people noticed were all superficial yet it somehow made my life bearable, made it look as if I had full control and grace amidst chaos.

I must admit that I liked hearing it. You see, I rarely get that kind of reaction from people. I'd normally be referred to as snobbish, condescending or bitchy and it surprised me that these people actually noticed something that I thought wouldn't result from how I was actually feeling inside. You see, I'm having a rough time. No, roughs an understatement, it's more of jagged like all hell broke lose in my life. I'm deeply disturbed by numerous problems. Name it, it’s on my list of things to sort out and solve or at least try to. Quite literally, I'm in a hellhole. I have problems coming out from all directions and aspects of my life. I'm badly in debt, physically challenged and emotionally tortured. I'm a problem magnet. So, how the hell am I suppose to believe what these people are telling me? Don't get me wrong though, I’d love to believe it. I just can’t bring myself to no matter how much I try.

A friend pointed out that maybe what I'm considering an emotional torture wasn't exactly a torture at all, that it's just how I pre-conceivably wanted it to be. Tell me though, how can I see something that consumes me from within as otherwise? What would make me think that my being engrossed, attracted and stupidly be in love with something to look forward to? I get excited around the person; I get all giddy when we converse, butterflies in my tummy and dryness in my mouth. All these things I feel at the same time! How can one person make you feel all that? Why is it even possible? There are so many questions left unanswered and I'm in limbo and I don’t know how much more I can handle.

If you can tell me something different, something I’ve never heard before then I might just break lose from all this confusion. I've read countless articles about the ups and downs and do's and don’ts of love, life and relationships, I've heard true stories of friends becoming lovers and vise versa but nothing really prepares us for the real thing does it? Not the schools and colleges we went through and not even anything in between. How do we really handle it and rise up to the occasion or humiliation? Really, I need answers badly. At the back of my head and in my heart of hearts I'm hoping that what my friend told me is right, that although this person brings me to suffering, this person might just as well be my saving grace.

With this edited and rewritten countless times I’ve slowly come to reconcile with myself that it doesn't really matter whether the changes were for better or worse, or whether I look good or bad. What really matters is that I acknowledge what I feel inside. Accepting that I am only human, bound by the laws of nature, of love and of life. Maybe I really do look different and maybe I'm a little crazy or maybe, just maybe, I really am in love among other things.

***posted on 10.28.2006