What specifically caught my ear in out rather lucid conversation was when he said "You know what? You're Blooming, are you in love?" I wanted to retaliate in a not so gentle manner, however I ended up saying "oh it's the hair, that's about it" but in my head I was really saying "Honey, do I look anywhere near a Gummamela to you?!” I'm pretty sure this person only wanted to share his observations and meant no harm, probably he was just flattering me or maybe just making small talk over that stick of cigarette; quite frankly he's not the first one to make the remark which made me think, What have they seen?
Could there really be something different about me? Maybe, maybe not.
At first, I thought all it was, was because I opted for that natural hairdo instead of my oh-so-common-spiked-greasy-hair, and instead of wearing my thick rimmed spectacles wore my colored contact lenses, or maybe as my friend Lorna told me, my choice of brightly colored shirts over my normally dark ones. These were the obvious changes that people saw. It wasn't a conscious effort to look different, it just happened. I grew tired of fixing my hair everyday; I lost my glasses and bought shirts on sale because I had nothing to wear. Somehow my contact lenses masked what my eyes were really saying. My hair made me look rather tamed and my brightly colored shirts made me look well, happy or at least happier than usual. What these people noticed were all superficial yet it somehow made my life bearable, made it look as if I had full control and grace amidst chaos.
I must admit that I liked hearing it. You see, I rarely get that kind of reaction from people. I'd normally be referred to as snobbish, condescending or bitchy and it surprised me that these people actually noticed something that I thought wouldn't result from how I was actually feeling inside. You see, I'm having a rough time. No, roughs an understatement, it's more of jagged like all hell broke lose in my life. I'm deeply disturbed by numerous problems. Name it, it’s on my list of things to sort out and solve or at least try to. Quite literally, I'm in a hellhole. I have problems coming out from all directions and aspects of my life. I'm badly in debt, physically challenged and emotionally tortured. I'm a problem magnet. So, how the hell am I suppose to believe what these people are telling me? Don't get me wrong though, I’d love to believe it. I just can’t bring myself to no matter how much I try.
A friend pointed out that maybe what I'm considering an emotional torture wasn't exactly a torture at all, that it's just how I pre-conceivably wanted it to be. Tell me though, how can I see something that consumes me from within as otherwise? What would make me think that my being engrossed, attracted and stupidly be in love with something to look forward to? I get excited around the person; I get all giddy when we converse, butterflies in my tummy and dryness in my mouth. All these things I feel at the same time! How can one person make you feel all that? Why is it even possible? There are so many questions left unanswered and I'm in limbo and I don’t know how much more I can handle.
If you can tell me something different, something I’ve never heard before then I might just break lose from all this confusion. I've read countless articles about the ups and downs and do's and don’ts of love, life and relationships, I've heard true stories of friends becoming lovers and vise versa but nothing really prepares us for the real thing does it? Not the schools and colleges we went through and not even anything in between. How do we really handle it and rise up to the occasion or humiliation? Really, I need answers badly. At the back of my head and in my heart of hearts I'm hoping that what my friend told me is right, that although this person brings me to suffering, this person might just as well be my saving grace.
With this edited and rewritten countless times I’ve slowly come to reconcile with myself that it doesn't really matter whether the changes were for better or worse, or whether I look good or bad. What really matters is that I acknowledge what I feel inside. Accepting that I am only human, bound by the laws of nature, of love and of life. Maybe I really do look different and maybe I'm a little crazy or maybe, just maybe, I really am in love among other things.
***posted on 10.28.2006
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