Living the half life

I always feel half empty... drained and dried out, tired and helpless and of course used and abused...some people may say half full but I lean towards pessimism when I feel down, so please save me the eternally predictable response that everything's gonna be alright, because I know it will, deep inside i'm hoping it will but right now I can't take one more person in my life to say that to me. What's driving me nuts is that I can't see it any time soon, there seems to be no end to all my misfortunes. Could this be the quarter-life crisis that most yuppies refer to? Well, unfortunately nothing's going my way, I'm discombobulated, I have the tendency to mix reality with fantasy and I'm a bit delirious... hmm, they're kidding right? Isn't this normal?

25 years of my life and I barely remember the times when I felt complete and fine just being me. I mean I always try to remember it, somehow it's lost in the back of my head or probably gone with all the booze i've drank and cigs i've lit up. I'm a half-life, the kind of person who survives looking for what's missing in his life, a half waiting to be a whole... like that never ending quest to find true and eternal happiness and the painstaking process of being in love and getting hurt and of moving on and letting go, *** buses and trains mom! buses and trains!*** melodramatic but it's all true honey.

I wrote this once, In my endless search of what seems to be the unknowns a failure, for what I thought the unknown's my purpose, stupid I was I never found my soul. Quite profound huh? well, that's how I am when I get all depressed. I tend to think that i'm forever lost in the dark inescapable labyrinth we call life.

You know what though? I miss it a lot when I knew what I wanted to do, when I was so full of energy and life that one would think I'm all set to conquer the world. I miss it when I dreamt of being big and being someone great and I miss it most when I was me, when I was sure of what I want and when I was sure of myself. The harshness of the real world has robbed me of what's left of my hopes, dreams and passion and more recently I've come to realize that I've reached the point that I'm numbed by the overwhelming number of problems that has come my way. Can you just imagine that?! I mean the poeple who know me can attest that I'm always kinda dramatic but it's all happening at the same time and I've lost all will to go drama. I still find it pretty intense, a little too intense actually.

Try to look at it this way, put yourself in my shoes and you'll probably get an idea of why I'm like this, I'm single and I'm gay, so you can just go figure out how hard it can be for me... ALWAYS CAUGHT IN BETWEEN...***sigh*** I share the same emotions with about a hand full of people I know and it transcends gender, age and social background... there are those who take it a little too seriously and there are those who just doesn't give a shit, I wish I was the later but that's just wishful thinking.