the road to happy endings

Happy endings. Don't we all want one?

I just realized that I wanted it so much more now than I ever did in my entire life time. This dawned unto me one night on my way home, alone in a cab and feeling rather hallow, wasted and pathetic, watching the outside pass in a haze much like my life.

I guess it would be right to say that we experience happy endings on a daily basis, somehow we overlook or take it for granted. Happy endings could be that text message you receive from a loved one before you go to sleep, or your pet dog waiting for you to get home from work, that pet dog that loves you unconditionally. For ladies, it's probably that new pair of shoes you've been eying for the longest time that you bought at a bargain or that long lost friend that you've finally got the courage to get in touch with.

As I've said, everyday, they unfold right before us and experienced in many different ways, and somehow they make it all worthwhile.

What I'm pertaining though is the kind of happy ending that you only experience when you're finally at peace with yourself. It's when you've accepted who you are and the people around you, when you no longer find the need to conform to what society dictates, when you're no longer afraid to say "NO", and it's when you no longer find it strange driving your life alone.

Immediately, I thought to myself that I still have a long road to travel. I'm at that point in my life where I'm looking for that elusive inner peace and oddly, I find it fine being in this kind of situation, although it gets pretty tiring at times, especially when it starts to involve the conversations about being single and being in-love and the likes.

I think I'm alright with it because I know I'd be in a better place soon, but I can't help looking for closure outside of what I can provide myself, I still find it hard to close the "hanging" chapters of my life and then get the courage to move on and finally let go. I'm still at fault for thinking that maybe, what would make me complete and secure can be found in another person and can be given by another being. No matter how much I've grown to be familiar with this feeling, I don't wanna be stuck in the middle of this all my life, no one wants to be anyway.

I have high hopes that this day would eventually come and I'm gladly on the look out for it but for the mean time, I don't want to be alone because it's just too low and lonely when I am.

In observation, don't we always hear ourselves say that we don't want "much "as human beings and that we know what we want for our lives, when in fact it's the other way around. We either want too much that we tend to mix reality and fantasy or we want too little that we end up not getting what we deserve. We somehow claim that we're simple and that we want the same standard for our life, when in reality we make it as difficult and all too dramatic as possible. We put defenses all over, we make rules and standards, we have boundaries all around us yet we compromise a whole lot of it.

The truth of the matter is, we contradict ourselves almost all the time and pretend it's all good. I guess that's the major problem, we can't help pretending, we hate each others guts for it but pretend we always do.

We're always thinking we'd get by the way we are, we sort of put life on cruise control and let go of the steering wheel. In short, we don't take charge of our lives and drive it to where we want to be. Some people tend to over do it though. Many of us don't know when to step on the breaks to slow down or stop, and when to shift to fifth gear to get to the destination faster.

We always blame the signs.

We blame it when we don't really read it or worse understand it. We can't even identify the difference from where we last were to where we're headed. Isn't that outrageous? Am I the only one who feels this way about it? I certainly hope not. In most cases the end result is that we're discontent, unhappy and confused, not to mention that very familiar feeling of being lost, now isn't that ironic?

I don't want to stumble into my life one day and realize that I wasted it. Don't you just want to say goodbye to this kind of world and create a new one where you can finally smile and mean it? I do and I'll floor it and drive out of here as fast as I can.