the road to happy endings

Happy endings. Don't we all want one?

I just realized that I wanted it so much more now than I ever did in my entire life time. This dawned unto me one night on my way home, alone in a cab and feeling rather hallow, wasted and pathetic, watching the outside pass in a haze much like my life.

I guess it would be right to say that we experience happy endings on a daily basis, somehow we overlook or take it for granted. Happy endings could be that text message you receive from a loved one before you go to sleep, or your pet dog waiting for you to get home from work, that pet dog that loves you unconditionally. For ladies, it's probably that new pair of shoes you've been eying for the longest time that you bought at a bargain or that long lost friend that you've finally got the courage to get in touch with.

As I've said, everyday, they unfold right before us and experienced in many different ways, and somehow they make it all worthwhile.

What I'm pertaining though is the kind of happy ending that you only experience when you're finally at peace with yourself. It's when you've accepted who you are and the people around you, when you no longer find the need to conform to what society dictates, when you're no longer afraid to say "NO", and it's when you no longer find it strange driving your life alone.

Immediately, I thought to myself that I still have a long road to travel. I'm at that point in my life where I'm looking for that elusive inner peace and oddly, I find it fine being in this kind of situation, although it gets pretty tiring at times, especially when it starts to involve the conversations about being single and being in-love and the likes.

I think I'm alright with it because I know I'd be in a better place soon, but I can't help looking for closure outside of what I can provide myself, I still find it hard to close the "hanging" chapters of my life and then get the courage to move on and finally let go. I'm still at fault for thinking that maybe, what would make me complete and secure can be found in another person and can be given by another being. No matter how much I've grown to be familiar with this feeling, I don't wanna be stuck in the middle of this all my life, no one wants to be anyway.

I have high hopes that this day would eventually come and I'm gladly on the look out for it but for the mean time, I don't want to be alone because it's just too low and lonely when I am.

In observation, don't we always hear ourselves say that we don't want "much "as human beings and that we know what we want for our lives, when in fact it's the other way around. We either want too much that we tend to mix reality and fantasy or we want too little that we end up not getting what we deserve. We somehow claim that we're simple and that we want the same standard for our life, when in reality we make it as difficult and all too dramatic as possible. We put defenses all over, we make rules and standards, we have boundaries all around us yet we compromise a whole lot of it.

The truth of the matter is, we contradict ourselves almost all the time and pretend it's all good. I guess that's the major problem, we can't help pretending, we hate each others guts for it but pretend we always do.

We're always thinking we'd get by the way we are, we sort of put life on cruise control and let go of the steering wheel. In short, we don't take charge of our lives and drive it to where we want to be. Some people tend to over do it though. Many of us don't know when to step on the breaks to slow down or stop, and when to shift to fifth gear to get to the destination faster.

We always blame the signs.

We blame it when we don't really read it or worse understand it. We can't even identify the difference from where we last were to where we're headed. Isn't that outrageous? Am I the only one who feels this way about it? I certainly hope not. In most cases the end result is that we're discontent, unhappy and confused, not to mention that very familiar feeling of being lost, now isn't that ironic?

I don't want to stumble into my life one day and realize that I wasted it. Don't you just want to say goodbye to this kind of world and create a new one where you can finally smile and mean it? I do and I'll floor it and drive out of here as fast as I can.

Random Thoughts

I've come to a conclusion that I will be loveless for life or maybe for the most part of it, yes, I admit defeat over this unending battle. I've reached my limit. I was once a dreamer, a hopeless romantic and i was in-love with love.

Being gay doesn't help at all, I already have a hard life, a life that's harder than it should be. I sometimes wish that I never discovered I was gay or admitted i'm one, it hurts too much to be this way. It's hell on earth.

Have you ever felt this lost in life? When it seems that every-thing's all right but deep inside you know it's chaos waiting to unfold right before you. When all you can think of are the rejections you've had, all the scrutiny, all the back stabbing, all the harsh things that the people around you can do.

Why can't I be liked the way I am? why are there people who can't understand? why are there people who don't have a stand on this? why? Answer me so i may be pacified.

Guilt, is a silent killer, it will consume you from within. I love myself but i don't like what i've become, i know it doesn't fit but since when did anything fit in anyway?

When you fall in between does it make you black or white? or the good? or the bad? I crave so much understanding and acceptance yet i can't even look at myself in the mirror and like what i see.

"I've been to paradise but i've never been to me" A guilty pleasure. Describes me perfectly.

plagiarism among bloggers

I'm half-way reading a book entitled stainless longganisa written by Bob Ong. It's an easy read, cracks you up almost all the time, very candid, hideously real, which was expected of Bob (not that I know him personally) and of course very timely, at least for me.

There was a topic he briefly discussed that I couldn't help but try to make a blog out of, what actually compelled me to write this was the fact that I find it irritating or rather pathetic, that someone will actually cross over being a wannabe and become something totally unacceptable. A copy-cat.

It's become a plague. Bob happened to mention that in one way or another, we have all committed plagiarism, he said it's prevalent among young writers, I say, especially amongst us bloggers. He cited that one common reason was that we couldn't find any better way to say/write it than that of the original writers, probably because we find that the way it was written was a perfect expression of how we actually feel and/or that we idolize the writer too much that we end up copying them, unconsciously.

He noted though that if you can't find any other way to say it, you better not write/say it at all.

I agree.

This was also a topic that my friends and I have discussed numerous times. One friend commented that, it's supposed to be a blog, a journal of sorts where you are to be writing something original, meaning something you've whipped up yourself, again, some are clearly devoid of originality or plain incapable of writing something good, or lets just say well enough that it's actually worth reading, but who cares if no one reads your blogs right? It's yours anyway, why go through the hassle of searching for something nicely written and copy it and claim that it's actually something you wrote when it's quite obvious that it's not, that's just pathetic.

How can you even take pride in that?

The fact that you try to get credit for someone else's genius is down right wrong.

I must say, some people can get away with it but just because some people can, doesn't mean that they have the right to, and if you're the type who can't pull it off then save yourself the humiliation and do not even think of trying.

If you're afraid that people might not like the way you write or blog then that's their problem and besides that's a risk you take for sharing your thoughts and writing. I can understand why you maybe afraid but you don't force people to read it anyway, everything is done out of free will and above all respect. If you can't write good then get the message across by approaching it the simplest way possible, there's nothing wrong about that! and when you quote someone else's writing or words at least have the decency to name the person you quoted it from, give them their props simply because they deserve it.

C'mon people! If you can't find an ounce of originality when you try to pen something then don't write it, don't force it and don't push it, because it makes you a thief and a coward and well, it doesn't make you any better of a person or in this case a better writer/blogger -as you claim it.

*pic taken in coffee bean and tea leaf in greenbelt 3 ayala center, makati city - snapped with my long lost moto razr v3i***sobs***, hands, pen, notebook and shuffle by anj.

***posted 03.02.2007