Living the half life

I always feel half empty... drained and dried out, tired and helpless and of course used and abused...some people may say half full but I lean towards pessimism when I feel down, so please save me the eternally predictable response that everything's gonna be alright, because I know it will, deep inside i'm hoping it will but right now I can't take one more person in my life to say that to me. What's driving me nuts is that I can't see it any time soon, there seems to be no end to all my misfortunes. Could this be the quarter-life crisis that most yuppies refer to? Well, unfortunately nothing's going my way, I'm discombobulated, I have the tendency to mix reality with fantasy and I'm a bit delirious... hmm, they're kidding right? Isn't this normal?

25 years of my life and I barely remember the times when I felt complete and fine just being me. I mean I always try to remember it, somehow it's lost in the back of my head or probably gone with all the booze i've drank and cigs i've lit up. I'm a half-life, the kind of person who survives looking for what's missing in his life, a half waiting to be a whole... like that never ending quest to find true and eternal happiness and the painstaking process of being in love and getting hurt and of moving on and letting go, *** buses and trains mom! buses and trains!*** melodramatic but it's all true honey.

I wrote this once, In my endless search of what seems to be the unknowns a failure, for what I thought the unknown's my purpose, stupid I was I never found my soul. Quite profound huh? well, that's how I am when I get all depressed. I tend to think that i'm forever lost in the dark inescapable labyrinth we call life.

You know what though? I miss it a lot when I knew what I wanted to do, when I was so full of energy and life that one would think I'm all set to conquer the world. I miss it when I dreamt of being big and being someone great and I miss it most when I was me, when I was sure of what I want and when I was sure of myself. The harshness of the real world has robbed me of what's left of my hopes, dreams and passion and more recently I've come to realize that I've reached the point that I'm numbed by the overwhelming number of problems that has come my way. Can you just imagine that?! I mean the poeple who know me can attest that I'm always kinda dramatic but it's all happening at the same time and I've lost all will to go drama. I still find it pretty intense, a little too intense actually.

Try to look at it this way, put yourself in my shoes and you'll probably get an idea of why I'm like this, I'm single and I'm gay, so you can just go figure out how hard it can be for me... ALWAYS CAUGHT IN BETWEEN...***sigh*** I share the same emotions with about a hand full of people I know and it transcends gender, age and social background... there are those who take it a little too seriously and there are those who just doesn't give a shit, I wish I was the later but that's just wishful thinking.

Recovering

We've all loved a lot and hurt a lot but somehow managed to recover through it all. In our lifetime, people has come and gone and even those who we think will stay for good leave us behind. We get ourselves into thinking that they will be with us forever and plan and live our lives around them. It's probably selfish for us to think that the people who we hold closest to our hearts will never leave our side, chances are, they most likely will and it's quite inevitable. It hurts too much but thats the circle of life.

My mom told me once that God sometimes breaks our spirits to save our soul, breaks our hearts to make us whole, pain is given so we can be stronger and sometimes sends us to failure to become humble, ultimately He sometimes takes everything away from us so that we learn the value of everything He gave us.

It's not hard to believe that this has some truth to it because it happens to us day in and day out, the harshness of reality sometimes bites when we least expect it, that's what sucks about it. We can only do our best and being Pinoy we have that natural resiliency and optimism which helps us all recover from the bruises of being left behind, let's admit it though, we sometimes can't help but deny the truth and pretend that we've moved on with our lives, we say we've accepted what happened but we only end up spending precious time in fear of being hurt again. Precious time that should've been spent on more important matters. We forget that what's important is that we keep these peoples memories alive in our hearts and continue on living in the today and not the shadow of the past. I know it's easy to say but it beats the hell out of sulking in your room and being all dramatic about life right?

So what's my point then? Well, lets just say that whatever pulls us through all of this is something we are all capable of. We may not fully understand why it happens but isn't it comfort enough knowing that there are a lot of things in store for us in the future? I might never get to fully grasp what it actually means to move on or let go, but I always keep in mind that the only thing constant in this world is change and all of the human race go through it.

All I can really say is that we somehow make it through because we find our saving grace, be it in our hearts or other peoples', maybe in the little things that happens to us every day, like the simple smile of a stranger or the mere hello or text message, or a hug from a friend. I found mine in the most unlikely place and in the most unlikely situation, who knows yours might just be under your nose, picking on you and bitching you around.

***posted 12.06.2006